It’s hard to come to terms with losing someone who’s played a such an important role in your life.
My Mum passed away quite recently and whilst I don’t want to talk too much about my feelings surrounding that (it’s far too personal and too difficult to articulate), the loss of someone so significant does give you pause for reflection on your own life.
I did go for a long walk soon after my Mum’s death, trying hard to remember her in happier, more vibrant times, but sadly my strongest memories were of the ways that I felt I’d disappointed her. She was a strong believer in the power of education and always felt that I hadn’t fulfilled my early potential. She was probably right, I always found academic success easy and that imbued a sense of not having to try too hard.
I guess I’ve carried that sense of childish privilege and expectation throughout my life, a sense that life would turn out OK with very little effort on my part, and when it didn’t, I became frustrated and blamed external factors for all the ills in my life, rather than recognising any shortcomings within myself. Like Dickens’ character, Micawber in David Copperfield, I clung to the belief that ‘something will turn up’.
It’s a recipe for apathy, and the reality is that, although good things do happen by happy accident, most don’t and life is infinitely more fulfilled if you make things happen for yourself.
It’s been a tough couple of years for me emotionally that’s for sure, but I feel that I’ve finally reached the outer edges of a brand new beginning in my life. I’ve felt like time has stood still during this period as I’ve tried to come to terms with the changes to my life. I’ve felt restless, even a little bereft, but now I’m ready to take a different road out there in the world, truly a path less trodden.
I’ve clung to the past for far too long, and no matter how hard it is to let go, I need to find a way to. I’ve done it before and no doubt I will do it again, it just seems just that much harder this time.
If you’re watching over me Mum, I could do with a little help. I’m struggling a bit.
‘Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.’ ~Lao Tzu